BALANCE & BOUNDARIES - What Happens When The “Yes Man” Says No?
Just me or have you ever felt OUT of BALANCE or that you have NO BOUNDARIES? One of those life moments where your plate is full, and you cannot remove anything fast enough. It is almost as is life seems to have become an endless buffet and someone else is plating your dish even when you have said you are done.
A few years ago, I had the uninvited lesson of going from 90 to 0 in a few seconds flat. I found myself face down on the floor literally wondering how I got there. I definitely push the envelope when it comes to life. I reflect now and say that for so very long I always had a very hard time saying no to anyone or anything. Does the term PEOPLE PLEASER resonate with anyone else here? My theory was that you run till you can’t anymore and then just keep running. I never wanted to be perceived as a ball dropper, less than, non-team player, selfish, self-centered… You can catch my drift with all the things I told myself people might say or think about me if I said NO.
This thinking process of running on E and then some in unhealthy ways is what I would refer to as a 2x4 learner. I thought at that point in my life I had become a feather learner (one who can learn easily from small redirections and light corrections). I believed I knew how to assess when my balance was off and that the small flags could/would catch my attention. I was WRONG.
My desire to people please overrode the little alarm in my head that said you might want to stop. Stopping, however, makes you look in the mirror and re-evaluate things. Full transparency: It is OK to admit that self-evaluation can be a bit scary at times. I had quite a bit of time that week to sit and do just that. This went against everything that I wanted to do the first few days of my “vacation” and I found myself so frustrated with myself. Why? Because people counted on me. Why? I had things to do. Why? I did not want to worry anyone. Why? Because my own body was betraying me. Why? So many why’s and yet the only one I could look at was myself.
What had gotten me to this place? Did I even know what work/life/family balance was? Did I know what a healthy boundary was? There is that saying, “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm”. I had clearly set myself ablaze and my body was screaming to let me know. I had to ask myself if I could say no. I had to really think on what “no” meant. Was “NO” a complete sentence I was willing to say and stand by it?
The people pleaser in me wondered if people would like me any less than before if I did not say yes. And, if my yes was only out of “obligation” was my yes telling myself no. I needed to ask the hard questions of “Do I treat myself like I would treat others? Would I force/condone someone I loved to put up with the lack of balance and boundaries? If not, why was I subjecting myself to it?” What value do we give ourselves each time we say yes to things that don’t align with us or that someone else could do, would do, or should do if given the chance. A bigger question is why do we get so bent on doing it all ourselves?
Did the world really fall apart without me that week and the following weeks as I proceeded to rebalance my life? A shocking NO, the world did not fall apart. I may have fallen apart, but the world kept going. I have learned to surround to myself with those who say YES when I cannot. Those who step up when given a chance. Those who encourage BOUNDARIES and BALANCE. A lesson in all of this: I do occasionally wonder how many others would have stepped up over the years if I would not have been the one standing at the plate. If I had offered the opportunity for those to come alongside me sooner rather than later but alas, we cannot change our past but only our PRESENT and FUTURE.
This does not mean that I am a perfectly reformed people pleaser and that occasionally all of me doesn’t still want to jump right back in and report with a hearty YES to all things. It just means that my 90 is now a smooth 55 instead with planned rest stops. Life is always a BALANCE, a pick and choose. What does NO mean in my world? Let your no to others be YES to YOU. My no to others means YES TO ME.
